Update: Reading Through the Centuries Project

I am still working on Black Beauty and will post at least once more on that one before I’m through with it. I use it as a springboard for my Victorian Era horsemanship studies, so it’s not just a pick up and read through kind of book since I make notes as I go.

I read a couple of modern books over the Christmas holiday, I read Broken by Lisa Jones, which is a really interesting book about the author’s friendship with a Arapaho healer and horse trainer in Wyoming. I recommend it. I am also still working through Women Who Run with the Wolves, which I read when I am in the mood for self reflection and working on my psyche.

I started another book for the Read Through the Centuries Project, which is The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. I read this one before, but it was in the tenth grade and I must say that I’m probably getting way more out of it now than I did when I was 15. I don’t remember much about what I thought of it back then- it isn’t one of the ones that I remember hating vehemently (Dangling Man is one of those) so I probably thought it was ok; but the fact that I don’t remember too much about it means that I didn’t get as much out of it as I should have.

The reason I picked it is because I found it in my boxes of books in the basement and it meant that I couldn’t have to a) leave the house and b) spend any money. Although, it doesn’t seem like I spent much on it when I did buy it- the version I have is the Dover Thrift Edition, which according to the back cost $1.00. We’re big spenders over here at casa Hope.

I’m currently on chapter ten of The Scarlet Letter and I’m really enjoying it. It is a really good book. I mean, I realize that it’s a ‘Classic’ and there must be a reason that high school students across the country are forced to read it; but I tell ya, that Nathaniel Hawthorne really knew how to weave a tale.

The symbolism and the commentary on the human soul…Deep, man. Deep.

What I will probably do with the books in the RTCP, is a brief background post (key word being brief) and then a post or two of my favorite quotes or passages. I’m not a book critic, and summaries are boring (and I’d rather people, you know, read the book), so I feel like giving some background and then some good quotes struck me as a fair enough plan. Then I won’t get overwhelmed and feel like I’m doing book reports. It’s not that serious- I’m really just trying to get myself to read interesting stuff I might not pick up otherwise.

So, there you have it. I will continue reading, and if you don’t have a book currently in progress, might I recommend The Scarlet Letter?

I need to stop being an apologist when it comes to my creative output.

Most of the time, I am painting, drawing or writing for Myself- and Myself thinks the products from that creativity are awesome in every way. No problem there. However, more and more frequently, I am commissioned to do something for someone else and am therefore getting paid for that creativity either by someone buying the finished product, or by someone commissioning something. That is when the ugly horns of Low Self Esteem attach themselves to my head and refuse to budge.

I am not, in general, a person for whom low self esteem is a problem. Not since I got out of college, became comfortable in my own skin, stopped caring what everyone else thought, and started realizing that, well...I like myself. So why is it that when I paint something for myself, I think its great; but when someone else is paying for it, I feel like its not good enough, or I feel the need to apologize for it in some way. Sometimes, the price I think my time is worth starts getting lower and lower in my head until if I let it go, I would be paying them to take the finished product.

Why do I feel like its good enough for me, but not good enough for someone else to spend money on.

All of this makes setting a price difficult for me. "I mean, just because you spent three hours of your time on it, doesn't mean that someone would want to pay what you feel your time is worth", my Head says, "because what if it doesn't look like you spent that much time on it" or "What if the finished product isn't exactly what they had in mind when they commissioned it?"

My time is important to me. At this stage in my life, if I'm working on a project for someone, most of the time I'm doing it at the expense of time with my son or family. This is a beneficial trade off- because my creative life is important and nurtures my soul- so I'm not begrudging that at all. I'm just saying that my time comes at a price, and I should honor that price by charging accordingly.

I paint well. Things look like what I intend them to be, and the finished products are quality. I should honor that by charging accordingly.

Not by overcharging, but by charging what's fair, and most of all- by giving the finished product its due respect in my own mind.

I'm reading a book right now, that I got years ago, but recently rediscovered. Its called Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of The Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I will discuss it more in a book post, but she has a chapter devoted to the discussion of creativity that is especially relevant to this issue of undervaluing one's creative life. I will probably read this one chapter again and again- hoping that the ideas will sink in replace the current negative revolving thought patterns, ones that undervalue the products of my creativity and pick at imagined artistic faults. 

Here's to running with the wolves.